In my first installment of “Taunting the Falses”, I made fun of this guy:

Well, I have recently learned that he is, in fact, part of a metal band (Detsorgsekalf). Sadly, part of its gimmick is to intentionally look idiotic and overdo the whole “black metal” look. I guess this means I’ll have to take back what I said. Here is a video of them covering Finntroll’s “Trollhammaren”:

What

the

fuck?!?!?!?

I guess I won’t be taking back anything, fatass. That was horrible. Your group does a horrible job of making fun of “the look”. I can either taunt you for your awful appearance, or your awful music, pick your poison. Either way, I’m leaving the “Taunting the Falses” bit about you on this site. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more pathetic…

(Also, way to botch the keyboards…)

I once heard a euphemism for the word “midget”–it was “vertically challenged”. I like that phrase, so I now throw it around casually whenever a short person is nearby. But as I kept using it, I wondered what a horizontally challenged person would look like. Since people now strive to be ultra-thin, I have come to the conclusion that “horizontally challenged” refers to a fat person. Say hello to our false of the day, who fulfills both euphemisms:

Wow…this is FUGLY. My main focal point is the fat midget. The lanky guy with “too tight” pants is a bonus for today. This mainly qualifies as attempting to be tr00 because of that guy all the way on the left wearing a Cephalic Carnage shirt. I’m taking the head-to-toe path in my attempt to ridicule this false metaller. Game on, bitches!

1. Nice mullet. That only went out of style about 2 decades ago. Also, the handlebar mustache is unacceptable. You look like you were pigging out on chocolate and weren’t so neat. Now you have what looks like shit all over you. Also, you’re teeth are hideously ugly–go see a dentist, please!

That was just starter stuff…nothing too big yet (pun absolutely intended, fatty). Onto what really makes you a false…

2. Lots of leather…damn. Those studs are liek, totally uber kewl and tr00! If I wanted, I could get some at Hot Topic…which is probably where you got them…which is scary because you look at least 37 and Hot Topic’s products are aimed at teens.

3. Nice leather on your wrists. That looks like it would constrict blood flow and seems to serve no logical purpose. Fucking brilliant.

4. I see that you have two studded belts around your neck and arms from some unknown reason. Is it because they wouldn’t fit around your waist? That would make a lot of sense, seeing as that you’re really fat.

5. Those shorts are way too small for your own good. I’ll make this simple: Too much thigh!

6. I have no clue what the purple thing around your neck or the red thing in your hand is, so consider yourself lucky for now. Lastly, I find it hilarious how you look so incredibly off balance. Your right ankle looks like it’s about to give up on you, and I don’t blame it–it works way too hard. Now you will have to be rolled from place to place. And cover the gut. I thought that was self explanatory, but I’ve realized that idiots don’t see things logically…at all, so remember that extra point. Freak…Not even Rob Halford wears that much leather and studs, but at least he is a respectable person who was very tr00. You are not.

BONUS ROUND

This will be the first False that I will be ridiculing who is not over 300 pounds. Let’s applaud this person for weight control.

**applause**

Ok, that’s over…let’s get to buisness

1. Your hairdo looks ever older. Did that style die out in the 60s or the 70s? I have no clue, nor do I care.

2. You’re also a spiker? Aww shit. This is like playing Minesweeper–I don’t want to see any of those little pieces of shit, yet I always end up landing on on after 10 seconds of randomly clicking things. They’re on your ugly jacket, which is three sizes too small for you. You don’t have blubber to warm you like your buddy over there does, so you actually need clothes.

3. Oh no…are you wearing a cross that Black Sabbath members are known for wearing? What…a…false…

4. All I will ask here is why the fuck do you have a leopard-skin pattern on your spandex, and why are sunglasses hanging on it. Also, why is that spandex only covering your abdomen? NEXT! FUCKING NEXT!

5. Rainbow colored short-shorts that are way to short and way too tight. I have no desire to see the rather small bulge around your crotch, and I doubt anyone else wants to as well. I hope I don’t have nightmares because of you.

6. More spikes. At least you can fit one of the around your waist, and the ones around your wrists won’t stop blood flow. Nevertheless, you look like an ass.

7. Here we are…at the apex of this insult-ridden post. My final insult is that…you’re wearing black socks with shorts! What a fucking false…

Ugh…that was painful. You sicken me. Don’t dress like fools next time you leave the house. Also, Cephalic Carnage suck, so that other guy loses a bit of tr00-ness as well. The only remotely tr00 person in the pic is the guy in the lower left hand corner. I have no doubt that he bending over and laughing at these fools just as much as I did. Stop looking like idiots! Stupidity is an epidemic these days…

I guess fat guys are just generally not metal. This is gives new meaning to the term “pathetic”. Brace yourselves…

The stupidity and false-ness contained in this picture actually angers me! I feel that I should eloquently state my main question to these pseudo-masochists:

What the fuck is wrong with you?

(that pun was fully intended)

Where to start……hmmmm……I’ll go from left to right. I guess that also means smallest to largest in this case. I’ll separate this one into two sets of insults, one for the fat kid, and one for the fat–um–”guy” (in the loosest meaning of the term).

Small-but-Fat Goth:

1. The main problem here is the Insane Clown Posse shirt. Very little in this world–no, in this universe–is more false than ICP. Before I even look at your hideous face (which I’ll get to shortly), I already know you’re not only a false, but also an idiot. Hooray for correct assumptions!

2. Nice face. Let’s see, simply retarded makeup all over the eyes, an “uber tr00, kvlt, fr0stb1tt3n” lip piercing, and what looks like a mustache and beard drawn on with a Crayola marker. Wow, your face is hideous even before puberty. This is simply immature and idiotic to the largest degree.

3. Spike collars and chains all around your neck and wrists. Fucking brilliant.

4. That hat looks pretty false too, if I do say so myself.

Go do some homework or something so you end up doing something semi-successful in life instead of working the register at a Hot Topic.

NEXT CUSTOMER!

Fat “Guy”:

1. Are you a woman or a man? Whatever you are, you have the largest moobs that I’ve ever seen in my life. You need a bro. That dress doesn’t help clarify your gender either–especially when it is so messy that it looks like a pig was eating. Are you pregnant, or are you just really fat? Do you walk, or do people have to roll you along in front of them? Ugh…

2. If your wrists are broken, then I can tolerate those “things” on them, but if those are some pseudo-goth “tr00″ armbands or something of the like, I have no words in my vast lexicon that can describe how much of an idiot you are.

3. WAIT A MINUTE!!!! Are you…seriously…wearing…a fucking leash? A FUCKING LEASH?!?!?!?!?!? Scratch what I said before, now I have no words to describe what I’m seeing. Are you the fattest dog alive?!?!?!? Are you a separate country, with a giant city existing inside of your ass crack? I am at a serious loss of words…

4. Wait, I found some words–I can’t leave you without mentioning your female “pseudo-goth” wig clashing with the large beard on your face. Oh wait, maybe those are forests in your country. The lipstick is just the finishing touch to this cake full of shit.

I end with the same question I had when I first saw this picture:

What the fuck is wrong with you?

One of you is a false poser trying to be tr00 in an ICP shirt and a bunch of chains and shit, and the other…let’s just say I still haven’t determined what gender it is yet.

Why can’t people just dress like…people?!?!?! This entire “Taunting the Falses” thing is to make fun of people trying too hard to be tr00, or just looking stupid in general. It is their fault for going out in public in such monstrosities that they call “appropriate clothing”. Face it–this was not Halloween (10/20/05). This is just stupidity, and stupidity pisses me off.

This post gets a bunch of special new tags, but I realize that “Fat Guy” is starting to become a trend. I like it…

I’m bored, so I feel that this is the perfect thing to do–taunt the false!

Hmmm…I think this is a different fatass, but still the same amount of false-ness.

This is obviously some sort of screwed up costume party at a mall (why, I do not know). This guy at least has his corpsepaint done well (if that is possible). The chains make you look br00tal and masculine, scaring away everyone except the eight year-old behind you. Ironically, you’re the fatass, but you are the only one not eating. Face it–you look like a fool. This is what I mean when I say the metal image gimmicks are ridiculous. You have face paint and (likely) fake chains thrown all over yourself. you look like a self-loathing idiot. even at a costume party you look out of place. Go back to your parents’ basement and get a decent wardrobe, because that form of dress is awful, whether you are in costume or dressing “normally”.

In this segment, I intend to mock falses. Simple enough? These pictures are all ones that I have found randomly on the internet through forums and through search engines. I don’t own or have any copyright to them. But I do reserve the right to make fun of them.

Ummm…ok. Where shall I start? I guess I’ll just go left-to-right.

1. Nice magic walking stick. It’s impossible to know that it’s made out of plastic. And the paper taped together on the top screams of failing kindergarten. In your adventure to become tr00, you have managed to fail at basic arts and crafts. Brilliant!

2. Those plastic shoulder spikes sure are intimidating…isn’t it cool how they just go all the way around your neck?!?!? I can’t imagine what would hurt more than those. Thankfully, the only thing you could probably hit with those (at least with the smaller ones) is yourself. You don’t look like you have friends, so you have no danger of hitting them with the larger ones. Man that is some shiny plastic.

3. Plastic WWE Championship Belt? Maybe not, but damn you love using plastic. Does the raw production of such cheap material make you more tr00, more gr1m, or more kvlt? No. Does it even match? No.

4. Ahhh, here’s the good part–corpsepaint! How original! This sure does make you look cool–especially when you do an awful job of putting it on. This looks like it was done by a five-year-old…a kindergartener. So, let’s review–you’re a kindergartener trying to be tr00. Ok, done with that.

5. Smile for the camera!

Nice job. Metal is filled with image gimmicks that are, in reality, ridiculous. This segment is meant to show how being to “tr00″ can turn you into an utter “false”…and that I will mock you for it. Deal with it.