Taunting the Falses–Vertically and Horizontally Challenged

I once heard a euphemism for the word “midget”–it was “vertically challenged”. I like that phrase, so I now throw it around casually whenever a short person is nearby. But as I kept using it, I wondered what a horizontally challenged person would look like. Since people now strive to be ultra-thin, I have come to the conclusion that “horizontally challenged” refers to a fat person. Say hello to our false of the day, who fulfills both euphemisms:

Wow…this is FUGLY. My main focal point is the fat midget. The lanky guy with “too tight” pants is a bonus for today. This mainly qualifies as attempting to be tr00 because of that guy all the way on the left wearing a Cephalic Carnage shirt. I’m taking the head-to-toe path in my attempt to ridicule this false metaller. Game on, bitches!

1. Nice mullet. That only went out of style about 2 decades ago. Also, the handlebar mustache is unacceptable. You look like you were pigging out on chocolate and weren’t so neat. Now you have what looks like shit all over you. Also, you’re teeth are hideously ugly–go see a dentist, please!

That was just starter stuff…nothing too big yet (pun absolutely intended, fatty). Onto what really makes you a false…

2. Lots of leather…damn. Those studs are liek, totally uber kewl and tr00! If I wanted, I could get some at Hot Topic…which is probably where you got them…which is scary because you look at least 37 and Hot Topic’s products are aimed at teens.

3. Nice leather on your wrists. That looks like it would constrict blood flow and seems to serve no logical purpose. Fucking brilliant.

4. I see that you have two studded belts around your neck and arms from some unknown reason. Is it because they wouldn’t fit around your waist? That would make a lot of sense, seeing as that you’re really fat.

5. Those shorts are way too small for your own good. I’ll make this simple: Too much thigh!

6. I have no clue what the purple thing around your neck or the red thing in your hand is, so consider yourself lucky for now. Lastly, I find it hilarious how you look so incredibly off balance. Your right ankle looks like it’s about to give up on you, and I don’t blame it–it works way too hard. Now you will have to be rolled from place to place. And cover the gut. I thought that was self explanatory, but I’ve realized that idiots don’t see things logically…at all, so remember that extra point. Freak…Not even Rob Halford wears that much leather and studs, but at least he is a respectable person who was very tr00. You are not.

BONUS ROUND

This will be the first False that I will be ridiculing who is not over 300 pounds. Let’s applaud this person for weight control.

**applause**

Ok, that’s over…let’s get to buisness

1. Your hairdo looks ever older. Did that style die out in the 60s or the 70s? I have no clue, nor do I care.

2. You’re also a spiker? Aww shit. This is like playing Minesweeper–I don’t want to see any of those little pieces of shit, yet I always end up landing on on after 10 seconds of randomly clicking things. They’re on your ugly jacket, which is three sizes too small for you. You don’t have blubber to warm you like your buddy over there does, so you actually need clothes.

3. Oh no…are you wearing a cross that Black Sabbath members are known for wearing? What…a…false…

4. All I will ask here is why the fuck do you have a leopard-skin pattern on your spandex, and why are sunglasses hanging on it. Also, why is that spandex only covering your abdomen? NEXT! FUCKING NEXT!

5. Rainbow colored short-shorts that are way to short and way too tight. I have no desire to see the rather small bulge around your crotch, and I doubt anyone else wants to as well. I hope I don’t have nightmares because of you.

6. More spikes. At least you can fit one of the around your waist, and the ones around your wrists won’t stop blood flow. Nevertheless, you look like an ass.

7. Here we are…at the apex of this insult-ridden post. My final insult is that…you’re wearing black socks with shorts! What a fucking false…

Ugh…that was painful. You sicken me. Don’t dress like fools next time you leave the house. Also, Cephalic Carnage suck, so that other guy loses a bit of tr00-ness as well. The only remotely tr00 person in the pic is the guy in the lower left hand corner. I have no doubt that he bending over and laughing at these fools just as much as I did. Stop looking like idiots! Stupidity is an epidemic these days…