Yes, I Still Exist…

I guess anyone with eyes and an internet connection could have noticed how slow this site is getting as of late. Have no fear–as of next week, I’ll have much more free time to review some more albums, taunt some more falses, and umm…tr00 some videos? Ok, that didn’t work well, but never mind that. I have been listening to a few really good albums as of late. Korpiklaani’s “Tales Along This Road”, Dark Tranquillity’s “Fiction”, and Tomahawk’s “Anonymous” have been the ones most played over the last few weeks. They’re all really good, especially Fiction, which really took me by surprise.

I conclude this semi-update with a quote from James Hetfield:

Very eloquent, James.

Tr00 Tube: More Than One Serving of Metal!

I’ve had a lot of work as of late, and that, combined with not feeling to well, has meant that I have not felt up to reviewing an album or two. Don’t fear! Instead, this is a “larger-than-normal” edition of Tr00 Tube.

This one isn’t really metal, but I couldn’t pass up on making fun of Linkin Park .

For this one, only watch from 4:35-4:55. Dave’s reaction is just hilariously tr00.

Tr00 Tube: Death Growl Tetris

This is your punishment for misusing the long piece and, thus, making your puzzle hit the top of the screen…fucking Tetris…

Review: Therion–Lemuria

Lemuria is one of two albums released by Therion simultaneously, with the other being Sirius B. Lemuria is the more experimental of the two, and as expected, it is quite an interesting album, featuring both heavy parts reminiscent of their death metal days, and softer, melodic parts that are simply beautiful.

1. Typhon–Typhon starts out with a nice phaser-tinged riff, than switching off to another riff, leaving room for some very nice male and female vocals coming in a”:cal-and-response” fashion. This leads up ito the heavy chorus, with the death metal-type harsh vocals leading the way. Although the guitars are very simplistic in the background, it doesn’t make it worse in any way. As the main riff fades back in, more symphonic elements can be found, whether it is the sound of brass instruments, to the alternating operatic vocals. The chorus comes back again, and kicks more ass. After another phaser-tinged section, the solo comes in, and is decent, but nothing too impressive. Afterwards, the chorus comes in again, and is still worthy of headbanging despite the fact that it may seem repetitive (thankfully, it’s a good chorus, so you probably won’t care). To conclude, it fade out after that. 10/10

2. Uthark Runa–Damn, this starts off with a crushing, eastern-sounding intro, with a slow, yet epic marching drum sound. After the hi-hats (sp?) are implemented, it seems faster, but it isn’t. Then, the operatic vocals come in and the epic-ness continues. The first riff is simplistic, but fitting. Then the vocals come in, and are not harsh (a let down after Typhon), but the riff with them, which just seems to be an altered version of the first riff, is very epic. The song then speeds up, but then reverts back to another altered version of the first riff with the operatic vocals behind it. After the first riff appears again in an unaltered form, the vocals and the altered riff reappear (in essence, a verse-chorus-verse-chorus pattern). The song then speeds up, with operatic vocals accompanying the faster instruments. The solo is a bit slow compared to drums in the back, and not very impressive at all. then, the vocals come back in, and are much more harsh (screaming, not guttural) than before to finish the song. 9/10

3. Three Ships of Berik Part 1: Calling to Arms and Fighting the Battle–This starts off with a symphonic background and a simple riff, leading into another riff. Operatic vocals come in afterwards, but then the symphonic instruments take control, with a simple riff on top of them, and semi-guttural vocals (not nearly as good as Typhon’s) on top of that. Then, a happy-sounding riff leads back to the symphonic-driven “riff”. That alternates back the the verse with, and the vocals are still average, but the symphonic parts in the back sound really great. The solo is mediocre, and the song fades out with the symphonic part. 7/10

4. Three Ships of Berik Part 2: Victory!–If the orchestra didn’t have enough of a role in the first part, they get the spotlight here. This is just a small interlude, but it is quite entertaining. Honestly, this should have been longer, but it is nice to have. 9/10

5. Lemuria–The ballad of the album is just so damn hypnotic! It’s odd that the heaviest and softest tracks on an album are the best, but that may be the case here. Lemuria starts off with a slow, acoustic intro, with operatic vocals over it after a few seconds. I don’t quite know what that instrument is that first creates the melody of the whole song, but that is just eerily epic. Then, the operatic vocals are layered, to create an even more epic atmosphere, yet one that is mellow. Then, the main vocalist comes in, and even his part fits perfectly to the atmosphere of this song. After a slow section with just drums and symphonic parts, the chorus comes back in, except this time with an electric guitar. Even this fits perfectly! Then, a brass instrument leads into a beautiful solo. After the solo, another weird instrument (a flute? It was the same one as before that initially played the melody) plays a solo that compliments the first one very well. 10/10

6. Quetzalcoatl–This starts with a basic riff, that gives way to a nice piano and orchestral section. This continues, and then layered operatic vocals come in. Excellent! Then the riff comes in an ups the tempo, and the vocals stay with it. Then, another riff comes in, and the vocals are gone. After a transition to another riff, some weird instrument (an acoustic guitar?) come in the background. Then, the operatic vocals return with the piano and orchestra, and the pattern continues until the solo. The solo is painfully average, and by this point, it is obvious that solos are not one of Therion’s strong points. The song fades out after the solo. 8/10

7. The Dreams of Swedenborg–This starts with a bang, but then gets slower, with an acoustic guitar, a low bass, and drums. The orchestra in the back does a great job here. Everything but the drums suddenly stop, and operatic vocals set in–very epic right here! But then, some crappy riff that sounds like it was taken from a crappy grunge rock or classic rock song comes in and does not fit at all. The vocals are great, but just don’t work with the riff. The solo is average, as assumed. This entire pattern repeats itself (yes, even the crappy riff…). The lead to the second solo is nothing special, and the solo itself is odd, but sounds ripped off from a classic rock song. Maybe that’s because the crappy riff is being played at the same time. The solo then gets better (and sounds original) when the riff changes. Too bad it just fades out on this note. 7/10

8. An Arrow from the Sun–This start off slowly, with just one note being repeated. Then, an acoustic guitar come in and strums one note, and one female operatic voice is backed by many males operatic voices. The riff is a bit upbeat. It is still good, though. The vocals are very deep, but not at all harsh. The afterwards, the guitar does some cool maneuver, but then the pattern repeats, except when there is just one female vocalist. Instead, they are all there. For the next verse, instead of a deep male voice, there is an operatic female voice. The pattern is again repeated, but when the acoustic guitar first appears, there are immediately deep male vocals. In the end, this is just a six minute song that could have been two minutes. 6/10

9. Abraxas–This starts off with a pounding intro similar to that of Uthark Runa. Nothing really new here. This suddenly stops, and a new riff comes in with female vocals on top of it. The next riff is very cool–not at all impressive, but just very catchy. More operatic vocals come in, layered. The pattern then repeats itself. This time, when the cool riff is played, the main vocalist lets out a little scream (”Yeah!!!!”). The intro then repeats itself. At this point, I am just sitting back, ready for more and more repetition, but then, something different happens. A really epic section with use of the double-bass drum and epic operatic vocals arrives, and it is great. Then, there is a nice “call-and-response” section, featuring the high and deep operatic vocals, and an orchestral section in the background. This leads to a pretty good solo. The second solo is average and repetitious. The song ends with a stereotypical drum ending that is not really fitting for a metal song, let along a symphonic metal song. 8/10

10. Feuer Overture/Prometheus–Epic. Truly Epic. This starts out with a dark, symphonic intro, with a violin playing quickly in the background. A cello (maybe?) adds to the epic-ness. A riff then comes in, and it’s simple, yet compliments the dark overtones very well. The vocals are really weird, and sounds like the guy from Type O Negative for a bit. Then the operatic vocals come in and work very well. Then, the main vocalist returns, in a less weird-sounding form. The chorus sounds dark, yet light at the same time, and the main vocals blend very well with the operatic ones here. The segue to the riff is very heavy, although it is inly for a fraction of a second. The pattern then repeats itself (what a surprise…). That’s pretty much it. The song fades out on a slightly altered version of the main riff. 8/10

What we have here is an album praised by both critics and fans alike. It allegedly is the high point of Therion’s career. Yet, in my opinion, it suffers greatly from repetition, simplicity, mediocre solos, and putting things that just don’t fit together. The operatic and symphonic/orchestral section are all top-notch, and it’s great to see that Therion went out of their way to use them instead of MIDI programming (according to Wikipedia, 171 musicians were used to record this and Sirius B–quite the effort). But this album seems to try and use the orchestral/symphonic parts and operatic vocals as a cover or a distraction away from the generally lackluster musicianship.

Overall: 82/100 = 82%

Tr00 Tube: Boogie Woogie Bi-atch!

Pardon the corny title, but what else can I say to this?

Tr00 Tube: Bursting out of a Shed with a Violin Edition

The song of the week happens to have the best music video ever. Nothing else need to be said…

Korpiklaani–Wooden Pints

So raw…so epic…so folk…so fucking tr00…

Review: Dethklok–The Dethalbum

This is death. This is metal. This is…Dethklok. For those of you living under rocks (in an attempt to be raw and tr00) who might not know of Dethklok, it is the brainchild of Brendan Small. Dethklok is the fictional band that is the main subject of the metal-themed show on Adult Swim, Metalocalypse. Everything about Dethklok exemplifies the stereotypes associated with metal, along with the many of the trademark absurdities as well. Although Dethklok claims to be “Ragnarok Metal”, “blacker than the blackest black times infinity,”it is really just melodic death metal. Although not as “br00tal” as the idea of “blackest black times infinity,” this is still a very heavy album. The instrumentation is pretty good, with Small playing the guitars, and notably with Gene Hoglan (Strapping Young Lad) playing the drums. The bass is pretty drowned out in the mix, except for in Thunderhorse, but that generally doesn’t play too much of a role in death metal. The lyrics are downright cheesy, but in a good way.

1. Murmaider–Starting with an quick eerie intro, this song delves straight into the really catchy riff, with the harsh vocals of small alongside. Then we are assaulted by the strong chorus. This repeats itself, and then the solo comes in. IT is short, but effectives and well placed. The riff continues, and then the climax, where “the band” chants “Murmaider” behind the riff, with the harsh vocals going on at the same time. This song is very heavy, very simple, and very metal. 10/10

2. Go Into the Water–Although this might not be as epic as it was on the show (they were being attacked on the sea by military aircrafts while playing the opening riff), this track is still killer. The opening riff is still very epic, but it drags on for a bit too long. It then changes to a different riff, and then we get the vocals. The vocals are more prominent in this song than in Murmaider, and it is obvious both in the verses and in the chorus. Speaking of that, the chorus is cool, but nothing that special. The verse-chorus pattern continues, and without a solo, this song is less pectacular than the opener. 8/10

3. Awaken–This song starts with a crushing drum beat, followed by the chorus, which is very heavy. The guitars in the chorus are very well done, notably the lead guitars. The verses are also great, with the riffs playing a minimal role while the vocals take the spotlight. The solo is mediocre to start, but then it gets better. At about two minutes in, there is a really epic alteration of the opening riff, with the word “Mustakrakish Musta-” being repeated over and over–fucking beastly! Then the chorus comes back and repeats itself, with a few variations, and then it’s over. 10/10

4. Bloodrocuted–This is a really short song, focused on pretty much just lyrics. The riff doesn’t even sound like a death metal riff and is very simplistic. The vocals are consistent, and the lyrics are great, but that doesn’t make up for the simplicity. The solo is pretty good, especially when contrasted to the rest of the song. The lyrics somewhat make up for the simplistic nature of the song. 8/10

5. Go Forth and Die–This one starts off with a great riff, and the vocals are great, and even a bit epic with that riff. The chorus basically has the same riff, with a bit of an alternation in the lead guitar. The bridge to the solo is very “br00tal”, and the solo itself has potential to be really good, but is shortened, and we are brought back to the chorus. Luckily, the bridge brings us to another solo, which seems like a continuation of the prior one. The riff brings us to the end, but there is some very nice guitar work and drumming for the last thirty seconds to make it seem very fresh. 10/10

6. Fansong–After a short monologue, the lyrics come in on top of a nice riff and just berate the fans (in a humorous way). The end of the chorus is great and heavy, and the chorus of “Hey!” repeated over and over is not too bad. The solo is solo is good–both the lead and rhythm guitars play a bit. Short, simple, funny, and heavy. 9/10

7. Better Metal Snake–The first of the loosely connected “Viking Trilogy” starts with a nice opening riff, but then gets to an insanely catchy riff for the verse. There is a section with a bunch of chords played for about twenty seconds, which is seemingly unnecessary, then another verse leading us to the chorus. The vocals are very odd here, with some other vocal presence other than the main ones. It’s still good nevertheless. The solo is the first really good one of the album, with the lead guitar still participating in something other than the riff during the last chorus. 10/10

8. The Lost Vikings–This is almost a clone an Amon Amarth song in every aspect, and that is meant as a compliment. Most notably, the vocals are at their best here. The song is opened by the main riff, with the vocals following soon a few seconds later. After the first verse, a second verse immediately follows. Afterwards, the chorus is rather very odd, with just minimal focus on the guitars, and main focus on the vocals. The solo is also very good on this track. We then get a verse-chorus-chorus pattern, with a very nice lead guitar section during the choruses. 10/10

9. Tunderhorse–Here is the famed “Thunderhorse”. Adultswim.com has the initial version of this song up for download, and it is great. To bad it did not translate to well onto the album. Her is the one place where bass is really noticeable, but it basically kills the whole song. This is not where a slap bass technique should have been used, but it was anyways. Everything else is top-notch. This song has about nine words in total, and some of them are repeated as “a chorus”. I guess one could say that the short guitar interludes are the verses. The main solo, though, is very good. This song lacks any true composing, and I have no clue why this was the one for Guitar Hero. This is still heavy, but the lack of any good songwriting and heavy bass make this probably one of the worst tracks on the album. 7/10

10. Briefcase Full of Guts–This starts off with a short, yet pounding, heavy section, followed by the first verse. This leads into the second verse, then the chorus, which is hilarious in it lyrical cheesiness. Then, the solos–they are really great. The lead and rhythm guitars trade each play a solo apiece, and both are top notch quality. The last solo leads into the final bridge, which in its own right is very heavy. I actually wonder how Small maintained a straight face while singing this part. The bridge actually leads into the end of the song. 10/10

11. Birthday Dethday–This is the best song on the album, bar none. The riffs throughout are excellent and very “headbang-able”, for lack of a better word. The first verse leads into a nifty, short solo. Then we get another verse, and then the chorus. Damn, it is thunderous–”R S V P PLEASE! FOR THE DEATH OF THEE!!!”. I have no clue how a birthday song could be this great and this epic, but Dethklok has done it. There is even a very short solo after this. After another verse-chorus combo, we get a heavy bridge that leads to the main solos. Fuck, these are epic. Although they only last for a total of about fifteen-or-twenty seconds, they are killer. Then we get a chorus to conclude. 10/10

12. Hatredcopter–Another loud riff starts off this song, followed by vocals and blast beasts. For the chorus “Pickles the drummer” (the drummer on the TV show) does the vocals. Here, it sounds like a modern Dave Mustaine. The verses here are probably the heavies on the album, but the bridge to the chorus is not too good. After the second time through the chorus, we are presented with a bridge to the solo. The solos (alternating between the rhythm an lead guitars) are actually really good on this song. The song ends with a few seconds of shouting the word “Hatredcopter!” over and over. 9/10

13. Castratikon–This sounds a bit like a Motley Crue song, if they had lots of death metal elements. That’s not a bad thing. The verses are pretty good, and the chorus does have an epic sound. The alternating solos are very good (this has become the tendency for the latter half of the album), but the second one ends very abruptly. Then, we get the chorus, with very good sections on both lead and rhythm guitar. This idea is repeated, and then the song ends. 9/10

14. Face Fisted–Is this some Pantera parody? The riff is really heavy, but the lyrics are so grammatically incorrect that they sound like they were written by a really vulgar six year-old. This song starts in a verse-verse-bridge-chorus manner, and the chorus has possibly the most idiotic lyrics of all–full of Pantera-esque idiocy. After another verse-bridge-chorus pattern, we get a semi-decent solo that seems very out of place. The guitars are played very nicely when the vocals come back, but that can’t redeem this song. We then fade out with the same riff as the intro. 5/10

15. Detharmonic–This song starts with a very nice and epic violin intro, with a symphonic background (probably MIDI programmed). This song is slow, but face-poundinly heavy in both lyrics and music. The verse has a really, really, really heavy riff, and the chorus is “br00tal” as well, but its the part after the first play of the chorus that is the high point. After a short section of the “symphonic part”, there is an insanely epic verse with the symphony in the back, leading to a very good solo that very fitting for the song. After another repetition of the chorus, the main riff closes out the song in a very epic fashion. 10/10

16. Deththeme–This is just a bonus track–the intro to the show. It a nice little bonus to have a refined version of it. It’s very heavy, and has nice solos. 10/10

The main focus of this album is the lyrics, but a lot of the riffs and solos are really great, as well as the drumming. As I said earlier, bass is pretty much non-existent. Although the song structure doesn’t vary much, this is still a very solid album that is quite refreshing to listen to after listening to a lot of “serious” metal bands.

Overall: 145/160 = 91%

Taunting the Falses–Return of the Fatty

In my first installment of “Taunting the Falses”, I made fun of this guy:

Well, I have recently learned that he is, in fact, part of a metal band (Detsorgsekalf). Sadly, part of its gimmick is to intentionally look idiotic and overdo the whole “black metal” look. I guess this means I’ll have to take back what I said. Here is a video of them covering Finntroll’s “Trollhammaren”:

What

the

fuck?!?!?!?

I guess I won’t be taking back anything, fatass. That was horrible. Your group does a horrible job of making fun of “the look”. I can either taunt you for your awful appearance, or your awful music, pick your poison. Either way, I’m leaving the “Taunting the Falses” bit about you on this site. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more pathetic…

(Also, way to botch the keyboards…)

Taunting the Falses–Vertically and Horizontally Challenged

I once heard a euphemism for the word “midget”–it was “vertically challenged”. I like that phrase, so I now throw it around casually whenever a short person is nearby. But as I kept using it, I wondered what a horizontally challenged person would look like. Since people now strive to be ultra-thin, I have come to the conclusion that “horizontally challenged” refers to a fat person. Say hello to our false of the day, who fulfills both euphemisms:

Wow…this is FUGLY. My main focal point is the fat midget. The lanky guy with “too tight” pants is a bonus for today. This mainly qualifies as attempting to be tr00 because of that guy all the way on the left wearing a Cephalic Carnage shirt. I’m taking the head-to-toe path in my attempt to ridicule this false metaller. Game on, bitches!

1. Nice mullet. That only went out of style about 2 decades ago. Also, the handlebar mustache is unacceptable. You look like you were pigging out on chocolate and weren’t so neat. Now you have what looks like shit all over you. Also, you’re teeth are hideously ugly–go see a dentist, please!

That was just starter stuff…nothing too big yet (pun absolutely intended, fatty). Onto what really makes you a false…

2. Lots of leather…damn. Those studs are liek, totally uber kewl and tr00! If I wanted, I could get some at Hot Topic…which is probably where you got them…which is scary because you look at least 37 and Hot Topic’s products are aimed at teens.

3. Nice leather on your wrists. That looks like it would constrict blood flow and seems to serve no logical purpose. Fucking brilliant.

4. I see that you have two studded belts around your neck and arms from some unknown reason. Is it because they wouldn’t fit around your waist? That would make a lot of sense, seeing as that you’re really fat.

5. Those shorts are way too small for your own good. I’ll make this simple: Too much thigh!

6. I have no clue what the purple thing around your neck or the red thing in your hand is, so consider yourself lucky for now. Lastly, I find it hilarious how you look so incredibly off balance. Your right ankle looks like it’s about to give up on you, and I don’t blame it–it works way too hard. Now you will have to be rolled from place to place. And cover the gut. I thought that was self explanatory, but I’ve realized that idiots don’t see things logically…at all, so remember that extra point. Freak…Not even Rob Halford wears that much leather and studs, but at least he is a respectable person who was very tr00. You are not.

BONUS ROUND

This will be the first False that I will be ridiculing who is not over 300 pounds. Let’s applaud this person for weight control.

**applause**

Ok, that’s over…let’s get to buisness

1. Your hairdo looks ever older. Did that style die out in the 60s or the 70s? I have no clue, nor do I care.

2. You’re also a spiker? Aww shit. This is like playing Minesweeper–I don’t want to see any of those little pieces of shit, yet I always end up landing on on after 10 seconds of randomly clicking things. They’re on your ugly jacket, which is three sizes too small for you. You don’t have blubber to warm you like your buddy over there does, so you actually need clothes.

3. Oh no…are you wearing a cross that Black Sabbath members are known for wearing? What…a…false…

4. All I will ask here is why the fuck do you have a leopard-skin pattern on your spandex, and why are sunglasses hanging on it. Also, why is that spandex only covering your abdomen? NEXT! FUCKING NEXT!

5. Rainbow colored short-shorts that are way to short and way too tight. I have no desire to see the rather small bulge around your crotch, and I doubt anyone else wants to as well. I hope I don’t have nightmares because of you.

6. More spikes. At least you can fit one of the around your waist, and the ones around your wrists won’t stop blood flow. Nevertheless, you look like an ass.

7. Here we are…at the apex of this insult-ridden post. My final insult is that…you’re wearing black socks with shorts! What a fucking false…

Ugh…that was painful. You sicken me. Don’t dress like fools next time you leave the house. Also, Cephalic Carnage suck, so that other guy loses a bit of tr00-ness as well. The only remotely tr00 person in the pic is the guy in the lower left hand corner. I have no doubt that he bending over and laughing at these fools just as much as I did. Stop looking like idiots! Stupidity is an epidemic these days…

Tr00 Tube: Turtle Time!

This is a little thing I feel like calling “Tr00-Tube”. I know it’ s corny, but I’m running low on ideas right now. This will basically be where I post a metal video of someone/group being metal OR unmetal, or something else.

This is a song by Throwdown, a groove metal band, synchronized with a video. Enjoy…